So, you've just met a man or woman who totally peaks your interest. They're smart, charming, you are really attracted to them and you both have a ton in common. Conversation seems to flow naturally and you can't wait to see them again. You can see them getting along with your friends and family and might even jump so far as picturing an engagement ring. You get those butterflies in your stomach and feel a spark even if you just hold hands. You start thinking this person could be IT for you, am I right?!

Or, maybe you're in it, like really in it - years into marriage and you KNOW this person is great for you. You've gotten to know them, you have history together with inside jokes, and you are living life together every day. You may even be working on whatever the next step is for you both like kids or making a location change. You think, "wow did I win the jackpot!"

As soon as you get that thought into your head, forget it! Ok, go ahead and celebrate for a minute - be grateful for this awesome connection you're experiencing, then take a step back.

We've been taught that there is a Mr. or Mrs. Right and our goal in dating is to find that ONE person. In marriage the purpose is to experience true love happily ever after. However, when you start putting those labels on the person or relationship, you expect the other person to be your perfect match. You start imagining how they'll respond to you and assume you know what they want. Suddenly, when they throw a curve ball or don't give you what you want, you start questioning.

You begin to look for reasons they may not be perfect for you after all. Maybe you feel you missed some "red flags". You start to doubt your ability to see who's good for you. You're bummed and think maybe you should move on to the next person.

Well, there are people who are right for us. There may not be one true love, but there are plenty of people that would be a great fit for us. We all possess the ability to have a connection with someone that is fulfilling, sensual, and fun! And maybe that person you just met, or that person you chose to have a life with IS that connection for you even with their flaws or miscommunications.

So, how do you make space for the discovery of each other or get back to that wonderfully understanding, easy connection? There isn't a formula for creating those feelings, but keep in mind these behaviors make space for those feelings to develop:

1) TRUST yourself

If there's initial excitement with a man or woman and you can honestly feel it from the other side, trust that you can understand when there's a connection. Someone told me that every connection is not meant to turn into a love story and I truly believe it. That means that even if the connection your feeling doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't mean it's not there. So, acknowledge it and give it time to develop.

If you've made that choice to be with someone for the long-haul, there are reasons you did that. When you made that decision there was something in you that just knew. It was that unexplainable feeling that you listened to. Don't discount it if in this moment you may be feeling otherwise. 

2) STAY PRESENT and check in with yourself. 

Yes, this person might have wonderful qualities. So do you, so don't put them on a pedestal! If you want this new relationship to go somewhere, try approaching it with an intention of curiosity. True curiosity is asking a question and not being disappointed by the outcome. Ask about how they feel about things that are important to you and what they think about ideas. Try getting to what they want without making it about you. Instead of asking the dreaded "what do you want from this relationship?" which puts someone on the defensive, ask "what do you look for in a relationship?" If what they say is in line with what you want and you feel you can benefit each other, let them know by expressing how great hearing that makes you feel.

If you're in a relationship and feeling disconnected from your partner, take a deep breath and focus for a moment on why you chose this person. What about them makes you feel amazing? Let them in on how you're feeling by starting with that, "I love the way we connect because of ____, and I feel that _____ isn't great right now, how do you feel?" 

3) EXPLORE

Open up! For a second, I want to have you do something physical. Wherever you are sit or stand up straight and reach your arms down and behind you. If you can grab your hands, lace your fingers together and pull down gently to open your chest area. You are opening your heart and creating space for more love and understanding. When your shoulders role forward and close your posture is closed and uncertain.

Now, whether you're in the beginning of a relationship or well into a partnership, we can all change perspectives. We all want stability and comfort, but we all want to try new things. You create the time to explore together. What is something you've wanted to do but haven't suggested because you've expected a certain reaction? Or, if you want your significant other to offer an idea, ask! You can build some new experiences and learn even more about each other in the process. Try a new restaurant, play a new game (even an old game like truth or dare!), take a winemaking class or go to an event. Whatever it is, be creative! 

If you want the man or woman you're with to choose to be in relationship with you instead of looking for ways out, you have to choose that, too. You can do that by expanding on what you love about each other and have fun in the process. Imagination leads to exploration and creativity feeds more creativity.

When was the last time you let go of your doubts, stayed in the moment and just let whatever was about to happen, happen? Let me know how you felt and what it was in the comments below!

If this is something you have a tough time doing, reach out on the Contact page and we can talk more about it.

 

Subscribe to Intimacy Alive by Email