Art is an expression of emotion - shared with others to evoke a response. Sometimes it’s for pure enjoyment, sometimes it’s to make a statement, sometimes it’s pure observation of beauty, sometimes it’s to tell a story. (I’m sure there are many other reasons for art, but let’s just start with those)
Sex can be a physical expression of emotion - love, devotion passion and creativity.
I recently had an experience where there was some part of a sexual relationship that just wasn’t gelling. We were both VERY attracted to each other, and sharing deep truths about ourselves that we hadn’t with other partners before, but the sex felt stale and obligatory. The second time we had sex there wasn’t much foreplay or excitement - it was just us climbing into bed together and because we were naked things just started to happen. It would’ve been better had we just went to sleep and not engaged. Giving permission to ourselves for the connection to evolve without “should’s”.
Prior to that, both of us had expressed wanting emotional connection to impact/influence physical connection. So, we’d spent time developing that emotional bond, but it hadn’t translated to the bedroom and we were both stumped.
And, to be honest, in the past this is where I would tend to end things and walk away, but instead I decided to engage in conversation around it. And I asked, “what does sex mean to you in a relationship? What does it fulfill for you?”
He answered, and when it was my turn to share, my answer surprised me. I said that "it’s an outlet for creativity, exploration, and a physical expression of how I want to love someone. In essence, my sexual world is more art than science.
That’s where Intimacy and Sex can come together. And what’s taken me years of doing this work to figure out. Intimacy is NOT sex and sex is NOT intimacy, however when there’s an intersection - that’s magical.
Intimacy and sex then become a choice rather than an obligation. And you have control over your choices - regardless of the outcome.
When you’re really attracted to someone often your insecurities come out - often thinking “I don’t want to fuck it up”.
Well, I believe the only way to fuck it up is to stick to expectations without putting in the work to fulfill them. The way to fuck it up is to stop engaging (that doesn’t mean a breakup is a fuck up - keep an eye out for the next blog post on that!). The way to fuck up is to get caught up in your fears and assumptions of the other person and not give them space to respond or prove you wrong.
The beautiful intersection of intimacy and sex is about progress. Letting go of the attachment to the success or failure of the relationship and simply relating in the moment to the person in front of you - that’s where sparks really fly.
When you honor the emotional connection you’ve cultivated together by allowing your body to move in a way that communicates that, it leads to more fulfilling sex. It creates an opportunity to learn something new based on the moment instead of sticking with your known moves.
Artful sex leads to a satisfaction of connection rather than an excuse to have a release. And you get away from the chase of more orgasms, or a feeling like you’re not having enough sex, because the sex is adding to the overall connection energetically rather than nominally.
Millennials might be having a sex recession (according to this Atlantic article) or not having as many babies, but I’d argue in general, regardless of generation, we’re actually in a golden age where we can fully embrace the pleasure and connective energy of sex. There’s less pressure to conform to standards of family and life success markers in a linear way and more freedom to define success through embracing deep emotional and physical connection that leads to living a different kind of life.
There’s still a lot of discomfort around discussing sex, sexuality, and desire with people we care about, but the moment is passing. There are more safe places to be vulnerable, explore preferences and connect to pleasure in new ways. Intimacy Alive is one of those safe places to explore for yourself and start building that skill set in relating to others.
To get a taste of what that feels like, feel free to set up a Discovery Call here.
Regardless of connecting with me - embrace your artistic expression and flow with your emotions in your body. Express your creative physical language with your partner (or with yourself!) and see what opens up for you in the outside world.